The Joy of Poop Putting
I like to putt poops off my porch. On a daily basis. It’s a great new sport that anyone can learn. The key is to get the poop to sail sweetly off your porch in one swing, using a golf club of your choice.
This fabulous game was developed when I realized, a few months back, that I had trained my pets to poop on the porch - my upper deck around the back of the house. Back when we first moved in, we didn’t have a dog run, and the deck was knee high with snow. So we encouraged the dogs to eliminate on the deck.
We built a nice big dog run in May. And really, the dogs did a lot of their business down there. Yet my littlest one still preferred pooping on the deck.
For months I had been kicking the poops off with:
- My Shoe (eeeew!)
- A Big Stick (not enough control)
- The Force (this rarely worked)
It occurred to me I could do better. I COULD USE A GOLF CLUB!
Of course I did not have a golf club, as I don’t golf, but by GOD why should that stop me? I saw golf clubs at Goodwill all the time. So I drove to my local thrift store and poof - there it was. A lovely sand wedge slicer for three dollars. Overjoyed, I brought it home.
Fast forward to now, mid-summer: I am now a proud expert poop putter, at least with a sand wedge. I have mad skillz. It can be tricky to get the poop off in one swing, as there is only a small opening between the deck and the wooden railing. It’s really easy to bounce the poop right off the railing and thus, back to where I started. It can take a few tries to get those dookies in a perfect sailing arc into the air.
But when they go, boy oh boy is it satisfying.
Filed under Defies Categorization, Family Life, Utterly Random |16 Responses to “The Joy of Poop Putting”
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Today the back porch. Tomorrow the Olympics. Hey, don’t scoff. They have synchronized diving and curling. Why not poop-putting?
I enjoyed reading your article about “Poop Putting”. One never knows what goes on in ones home or back yard..
Maybe some day this will become a national sport
Yes, I agree, Lynne and polyGeek. Someday you will be able to say you knew an Olympic athlete when they were just starting out.
muahahaha!!!
Not strong in you the force is….
Well, just when I thought the internet was a safe place to wander (as if!) I find this post. Hilarious! But perhaps best to not read on a full stomach.
Mudslide, it’s also not safe to wander under my porch…
Jeanne I am but a padawan learner in the ways of the Force…
I now have a use for my old golf clubs, since I can’t play anymore (gammy legs). I was thinking of using my nine iron, as I could always hit farther with it than I could with any of my other irons (never said I was good golfer).
True, Eric, this is a perfect use for old golf clubs! let me know how the Nine Iron works for ya.
Just tried out the ole’ niner a few minutes ago… good loft and decent distance, although my neighbor across the alley will probably not be very happy with my lie. I don’t think I will ask if I can play through!
Hee hee, thanks for the giggle, Eric. I love it. Just tell him you are helping fertilize his garden. For free!
Make sure to open the club face and accelerate through. Don’t hit down
I have noticed that weather conditions are having a major effect on my drives. We have had some heavy rain storms come through (we refer to them as “gully washers”). Higher moisture content definitely decreases distance, as the poo tends to disintegrate before reaching maximum range.
Any advice on overcoming this obstacle or do I just tough it out and play through?
Eric, I think you should tough it out. It’s like the opposite of a sand trap.
Words of wisdom, Yogamats.
this article is very humorous, but shows that you have golfing skills. If you are ever interested in lessons, or a place to practice putting, check out this site.
Golf Petaluma